Place For The Broken

Vengeance

2011-10-29T08:54:00.000-07:00

You know the usual saying that 'revenge doesn't solve anything'? I've been finding myself asking how true it is. The fact that a white hot rage that still burns inexplicably within my heart every time I think of the past on how a certain fucktard caused a great deal of misery to me once and to the one I love with every fiber of my being, makes me feel like pounding said fucktard's face in to that ugly case of a skull he has. Some may call it impulsive but the fact that I still feel this violence pounding in my veins after a long time it has happen means that I won't be satisfied without getting even with him. I know well the consequences for my actions. Irregardless, I can't face my future without resolving my past. Sometimes, diplomacy can never solve all problems. Sometimes violence is the only way. And sometimes forgiveness resolves nothing.

I want to pin him down on the ground, I want to pound every inch of his face till he's unrecognizable, I want to make him choke on his blood and I want him to beg for mercy. I want him to scream that it was his fault and he deserved it and to beg me to stop. I want him at my feet where his life is in my hands and I can take it or shame him by letting him live on. I want revenge. Yes, my revenge is for my self satisfaction. Yes, I'm ok with that. Yes, I do not mind the consequences for my actions. Yes, I'm unable to forgive him. I will not forgive anyone who has wronged my love of my life and me to the extent that he has. I will have my revenge.

silence, hurt and life~~~

2011-07-22T09:29:00.000-07:00

Somehow it seems that in our last meeting, you seem to have decided you don't want to come back at all. I really wonder was our relationship that flimsy till you could end it on a whim. You have no idea how much your words cut me. I just had to swallow my tears to be able to walk away. What's worst, you're not honest to me at all. But after all that's said and done, I still can't seem to be able to forsake my promise in waiting for you. I know that you hate the fact that I'm able to see right through you and as arrogant as it sounds, I know that what we are now is not at all what you want. Still, I can't seem to be able to do anything at all except just wait for you. I may date a hundred girls while waiting for you, but how can I love them like before when I've given all of it to you. I only hope that you might change your mind. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and to build a family with you. But if you keep on with that mindset, that dream seems like an unattainable dream. Not for my sake, but for ours, please change you mind.

2011-07-05T18:18:00.000-07:00

I know I said I'll wait for you, in truth, I can't. I want you back so badly. I want you to forgive yourself for what you did because I've forgiven you already. I miss you so much. Only you can fill up this hole in my heart. I really want you to come back now. I miss you, I love you and going on another day without you is tough to near impossible. Not a moment passes by where I don't think of you. Why do we have to go through this? I know you hate this situation we're in as much as I do. Only you can do something about it. I've exhausted every option I have. Please come back, darling. I really miss you and I really want you back. I love you.

2011-06-18T03:49:00.000-07:00

Its funny how things are. One moment, a certain someone comes to you and tells how how much she loves you and the next she tells you that she can't love you the way she used to but you'll have a soft spot in her heart always. In regards to how things are, my instincts tell me that it ain't all that it's seem nor is it what's is said. Maybe I'm lying to my self by trying to look for that hope there or the possibilities of my instinct being right is there again. Come to think about it, my instincts have always been on the dot whenever its about her. Be it how she's feeling or how things are going to happen, my instinct have been too right to be wrong already. Should I trust it knowing how well it has served me before or should I ignore it and let shit happen. After all, I know well what happens when I have ignored my instincts. Shit always happen. But how do you act on your instinct when there is no road for you to act? Questions questions~~

I miss her

2011-05-27T10:44:00.000-07:00

God, I miss her so much. I'm literally craving to see her, be with her and spend my whole day with her. Now, I just finished watching the movie Notting Hill and I can't help but miss her a great deal more. I really want to see her so badly my heart is literally pounding out of my chest. But I don't want to be the cause of added stress to her. I want to tell her this, but I can't because it will put more stress on her as if she's not having enough stress without my help. But nevertheless, I can only pour my feelings out here, away from prying eyes. All in all, my heart is missing her till it aches. She's all that's on my mind every time, every day. I miss her, I love her. She's my darling, my light, my Amelia.

How Troublesome~~~

2011-05-22T21:53:00.000-07:00

Only way I can say for this situation. Best example, I'm right beside my girlfriend and the way she treating is as if I don't even exist or I'm not even here. When I showed up at her college to surprise her and to take her for lunch, I was greeted with nothing but pure coldness. Wow. What a fucking surprise indeed. With the way she's treating me, I wonder do I even mean anything to her at all. This is not the first incident. Many incidents have caused me to start questioning my decision that I've made. I'm wondering should I confront her bout it. My mind is spinning in a really unhealthy way. I need some answers and some assurance in the least.

2011-05-17T13:13:00.001-07:00

Have you ever felt a kind of sadness just suddenly welling up in your heart so much till tears just pour? What does it mean? I've never felt suddenly so upset over something that I can't even tell.

2011-05-02T08:51:00.000-07:00

It seems that loneliness is what I'm destined to go through. Maybe its best that way. maybe...

Completely letting go~~

2011-04-30T13:02:00.000-07:00

Finally, I'm finally able to detach myself completely from the very binds that made me hurt so deeply once. Removing her from my facebook page, deleting the pictures of us both was easier than I ever expected. Of all the girls I've ever dated in my life, she's the only one I swear never to return to again. The amount of pain, anguish and agony I had to bear for the things she did and said to me, I never want to go through that hell ever again. Amelia, I'm writing you off my life, my page and my history once and for all. No thanks to everything that you've put me through. If you wonder why I'm doing this, look back on everything that you did and tell me was our relationship ever worth it to you for you to even do that. If that does not give you an answer, then you'll never ever find any answer of even a semblance of peace forever. This time, there will be no goodbyes or see-you-soon. All you'll ever see is my back that I've turned towards you and my retreating figure. The last time I said that I will walk away from it all, I have put those words into action. To me, you've never existed in my life before.

2011-04-25T05:11:00.000-07:00

Found this piece of work by Lisa Michaels. Very interesting I have to say~~~

"Memories

Looking out the rain-fogged window, eyes that were holding back choked tears began to quiver and a lone tear rolls down her cheek. Wiping the tear away before it falls to the ground; she turns away from the window. Looking at the front door, the image of his dejected back walking out into the rain appears before her eyes. Swallowing back the ache within her heart, she walks to her room. As she steps in, the vision of him sitting up immediately with a big grin on his face as he bounds up to greet her with his messy hair bouncing around appears right before her as he suddenly disappears from her view. Braving herself, she moves forward into the room and closes the door. Immediately the ghost of his touch appears, gently caressing her back and his warm breath on her neck breathing slowly with his arms around her holding her softly yet so firmly relaying the message “I’ll never leave you” gently to her. His scent suddenly fills her up as his smile and enthusiastic laughter burst into her mind. At once the will holding back her tears falters and the tears pour down her eyes like a rush of a rapid river causing her to fall to her knees and she starts to sob bitterly.

As the torrent of tears that runs down her face, memories of him surfaces along with the memories of her throwing his attempt to salvage their relationship in his face. She sees him holding her hand as they walk through the mall they usually frequent, the rings that he bought for the both of them and of how he threw his away after being spurned by her. The voice that said her name so gently as they made love, the sound of the rhythmic beating of his heart as she lies on his chest when they were done, his concerned look when she used to cry in front of him, the grin he gave whenever he saw her, the smile he threw her way whenever he was with her, the boisterous laughter that never ceased to infect her, and the intentional clumsiness that he pulled whenever she was upset.

Now, all that’s left are mere memories of what used to be a beautiful past. His eyes no longer gaze warmly towards her. All that’s left is a cold look. Hands that were once linked with hers, now linked with another. Words of comfort and understanding that were whispered in her ears, now whispered to another. He looks at her now with complete sadness and disappointment. Giving up on what they had built for he knows that without her, it will all be for naught.

A cry of anguish now escapes her lips as she knows now that one like him will never return. Never again will she feel the warmth and comfort of the past as they now scorn her for her choices. All that’s left is just the tears that keep running down her face, a closed door, a cold room, the pouring rain and memories of what used to be."

2011-03-24T04:05:00.000-07:00

Ever looked into the mirror to see the person staring right back at you becoming a complete stranger gradually? Ever woke up one day and questioned your purpose of being alive? Ever wondered what you are supposed to be, who you're supposed to be, and where you are actually going? Ever felt the very thing you were fighting for so hard becoming more and more meaningless till you don't know what you are fighting for anymore? If you have, you've just taken a slight glimpse into my life. Ever since I lost her, my purpose seems to be fading away gradually. I thought I knew who I was, thought I was strong. But now, I don't know anymore. I've always said, "a person without a purpose in life does not deserve to live for he has no directions." Seems like my words have come to bite me back in the ass hard. Right now, I really don't have a purpose in my life anymore. No direction in it whatsoever. I've even lost my will to fight and my will to hold on. What does this makes me now? I don't know. I really don't.

2011-03-20T10:35:00.000-07:00

Somehow this lyrics is playing crazily in my head now. I really want you back, Amelia. I can't say it in any better way.

"Everybody needs a little time away," I heard her say, "from each other."
"Even lover's need a holiday far away from each other."
Hold me now.
It's hard for me to say I'm sorry.
I just want you to stay.

After all that we've been through,
I will make it up to you. I promise to.
And after all that's been said and done,
You're just the part of me I can't let go.

Couldn't stand to be kept away just for the day from your body.
Wouldn't wanna be swept away, far away from the one that I love.
Hold me now.
It's hard for me to say I'm sorry.
I just want you to know.
Hold me now.
I really want to tell you I'm sorry.
I could never let you go.

After all that we've been through,
I will make it up to you. I promise to.
And after all that's been said and done,
You're just the part of me I can't let go.

After all that we've been through,
I will make it up to you. I promise to.

You're gonna be the lucky one.

2011-03-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

Day 3 without talking to her. Who knew it would actually be this hard to to handle this separation. Every time I look at my phone, I want to call her, to tell her how much I miss her and that I want her to come back now. But because what I said to her, I can't do so. I really want her with me now. I just miss her so damn much. I know now how much I need her in my life. I really love her so very much. More than anyone I've ever loved in my entire life. I hope I'm able to last till the end of April.

2011-03-19T00:15:00.000-07:00

Day 2 of not speaking to Amelia. I have to say that I miss her so very much. There's more that 30 more days to go to get back with her once more. Honestly, on Wednesday I just realize that I've never appreciated her smile and touch anymore than that day. Just watching her smile and feeling her hand holding mine, I would give anything just to have that forever. I miss her so very much. But this time, I will not contact her at all. I will patiently wait for April to be finally over before seeing her once more. I hope I'm able to last to that day. Best part is, things have finally settled down for me. I don't seem to have anymore anger towards her anymore. I just want this solid month to pass by soon for me to be with her once more.

Dillemma

2011-03-14T05:01:00.000-07:00

To give up or to keep fighting? To know the truth or to stay ignorant? To hold on or to let go? To love or not to love? These questions plague my mind everyday and what's worse, the answer just won't show itself. I've reached to a point where I don't know what I should do anymore. It just feels like I'm grasping at straws and nothing seems to fit. I can still say that I still do love her but a part of me has somehow given up hope and yet the other part keeps on fighting on. What should I do to be relived of this plague?

2011-03-11T18:33:00.000-08:00

It seems all that I've done have been in vain. The light that I cherished and loved so greatly have betrayed me completely. My heart is tired and my body is completely exhausted. It's still so hard to accept the fact that I have been tossed away like yesterday's trash. She practically took all the pain that she experienced from the betrayal of that dumbfuck and turned it on to me. What's worse, she even added more pain to it. This pain will never heal I can be sure of that. I have now lost my ability to even love anyone, or even to trust them anymore.

Wounds that never heal

2011-03-10T05:58:00.000-08:00

I've heard of wounds like these before. Never in my darkest nightmares have I ever seen myself having to actually feel such wounds. With all the words she slapped me in the face with, the accusations that were false, the things that she did, the wounds just keep on bleeding and bleeding and it doesn't seem to end. In her eyes, I'm at fault for everything that has happened to us. What's worse, she expects me to just let it go. Easy for her to say when she wasn't the one who had to face all that she did to me.

Now, my rest is never enough for my body. My mind is losing its sanity slowly but surely and I'm slowly unable to see the line between reality and dreams. To keep up a facade of a joker is an uphill struggle for me now. My smiles used to be genuine. Now they're just pure fakes. And this mask that I'm wearing is starting to fall apart. I hope and I pray that I will still be able to keep my sanity intact as long as this last. I hope the day will come where my darkness will slowly become light again. Please heal me, I can't sleep. Though I was unbreakable, this is killing me. Call me everything, make me feel unbreakable. Lie and set me free!!!!

2011-02-19T13:16:00.000-08:00

Amelia, by all chance you are reading this, I just want you to know how much I love you. Ever since you left me, I'm losing my sanity day by day. I don't know how long more I can still stay sane after all that you are putting me through. I really do want you to come back into my life once more. I believe in second chances. Do you still?

If the love that you felt for me then still lingers in your heart, please come back. This feeling inside is eating me alive so badly that I want to carve my heart out to ease the pain that I'm feeling now.

Please come back, Amelia.

This is not revenge, it's just returning the favor with interest

2011-02-13T06:21:00.000-08:00

Lionel Goh, or more known as Dustyhawk or Serge Norguard. You, my dear boy have stolen the most precious person in my life away from me. In doing so, you declared war between the both of us. As such, I will destroy you and whatever that is precious to you completely and leave it without a trace. I will take back what is mine and burn you and the rest as the trash you are. I will destroy you not only physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. You will regret ever crossing the wolf. As you used to be from Klang, I'm sure a phrase was used back then in your time. "There are some lines that shouldn't be crossed, Some tails that should never be pulled and some men that should never be messed with" My dear boy, you just messed with the wrong person and now you are going to pay the price. I will send you to hell and bring you back again. For this you will just wish for me to kill you and be done with. Unfortunately for you, I'm not as merciful as you wish for me to be. I will haunt you, torture you, torment you and mock you throughout the rest of your miserable days. And when I'm done with you, you will take your own life to end this hell that I've set up for you. Only when you have done that, my debt will be paid in full. I will do it and now the infantry is advancing upon your doorstep already. By the time the artillery arrives, you will be wishing you never crossed me. I will destroy you, I will kill you. Mark my words. I'm coming for you now you son of a bitch. The wolf now stalks his prey. You turned me in to the Demon Wolf. I'll be extremely vicious and fierce. I'll tear your flesh from your bones and feed the to the birds. Watch me fly Lionel. I'll kill you.

Masks and a violent aura

2011-02-04T08:22:00.000-08:00

Masks, something I wear on a daily basis. My tears, anguish, sufferings, hurts and pain all being masked with a smile. A mere fake smile. To many, I may appear very calm and easygoing. But if someone with a keen eye were to see me, a violent aura and a raging wind blows all around me. It's as if a mere pebble throw will be able to make me explode and my violence starts to engulf all around me. The raging wind will become a tornado to consume all in its path and as such I would have become the most terrible person ever to walk this earth. I will be like a ravenous wolf ready to devour anything and everything in its way. This mask I wear is starting to crack and its falling at the edges. My demon within me is stirring and I can't seem to avoid the inevitable. This demon within is ready to destroy and to annihilate all. Time can't seem to heal this cracks. Please someone save me!!!

Looking at glass

2010-07-04T01:48:00.000-07:00

Looking at the shattered mirror around me in a darkened room and I can't help wondering is that who I am. Slowly and deliberately, the pieces fall apart, shattering the pieces into silvers and now all I see is a black wall that echoes my empty heartbeat like a sickening rhythm haunting my very soul. I clasp my ears in hope to drown out the haunting sound that resonates around me. Falling to my knees, I see the floor drenched with my blood spilling from my split knuckles. Laughing mockingly at my own existence, the walls continue to echo my bloody heartbeat. I keep praying the tide will come to wash me away and take me away from this torment. Free me from this torture that haunts my very soul. Opening my eyes a crack, I see my answer glaring at me with a straightforward stare. The silvers from the shattered mirror glisten temptingly in the dark cold room. Trembling ever so slightly, I reach out my arm to the pieces in front of my eyes. Maddeningly my heart keeps on beating as if urging me to go forward. Picking up the glass silver, the touch of it feels comfortingly cold. On its surface, I see the droplets of my own blood on it. Wiping the blood away and cutting my finger in the process, I succeeded in staining it even more with my own blood. Staring at the silver, I see my own eye looking back at me. "Is it even my eye I'm looking at?" my soul questions. Clutching the silver tightly, I feel it cutting into my flesh as more blood spills out from my wounded hand. Still, the sound of the mocking laughter of my heart pounds even louder in my ears. The sound echoing around the bloody room. With a swift stroke, I plunge the silver into my own heart to drown out the sound. Blood spurts like a magnificent crimson shower in the cold black room from my chest. Pushing the silver even more, the edge cuts and pierce into my beating heart and I feel peace and comfort. Who knew that pain comforted me this much. Falling down, I close my eyes as the maddening sound slowly fades and I find peace........

Fucked up

2009-08-28T06:23:00.000-07:00

Who the hell gives a fucking damn whether I should smoke or not. My life is bad as it is already and still I can't release myself the way I want to. Goddamm it!!! If it doesn't kill me, it'll only make me stronger. So why should I care. It's not like I have any damn shit to fucking worry about.

I don't see the point in judging a person's fucking action in the same case. Almost everybody judges a person by what he does. And not the fucking reason on why he does it. Isn't that like convicting an man guilty before he is even proven guilty? Can't anyone look on reason rather than just the action? 'NO!!!' Y? 'Because he should not be doing it in the first place!!!' What sort of fucked up, bitch-assed theory is this? And yet everybody goes around saying 'Do not fucking judge a fucking book by it's fucking cover'. The whole fucked up hypocrisy of everyone.

And last, does anybody likes to be compared to another? If you say 'no', 'THEN STOP FUCKING DO IT!!!! If you say 'yes', your just a fucked up sick bastard who doesn't know shit about anyone including yourself.

24th June 2008 (Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen)

2009-06-24T07:05:00.000-07:00

Today was awesome!!!!! 7 of us went to watch the new Transformers movie and safe to say, the movie was AWESOME!!!!!! Looks like Michael Bay kept up his great job by making the sequel of Transformers as good or better than the 1st one. Ian, Nicholas, Deanna, Nisha, Nisha's friend(sorry i forgot your name), Amelia and I all went to watch the movie. And, Damn!!! I wanna go watch it a 2nd time!!!! Anyway, after that, Amelia and I went back to Uni for anime club meeting. It was to finalise the crew for that day. Amelia will be at the cafe section and I'll be doing security. Anyway...I'm just too tired to kee on writing....i wanna sleep now!!!!!!!

18th May 2009

2009-05-18T07:46:00.000-07:00

Hmmm....today was kinda nice....but I have no clue why...LOL...hmmm...lets see...yeah!!! I know where to start...hmmm...after class today I spent the entire day at the cafeteria with a few of the anime club members. Well....we were all selling anime items to raise funds for our AniManGaki event next month. We had loads of stuff on sale....hmmm...too bad I didn't take any pics there la...hmmm...anyway, tomorrow still got da sale...hehehe....one big bunch of us were there. Kaichou, Davion/Vivian, Light, Marsha, Ian, Shizuka(though she came later), Nadya, Natalie, Nicole from Zeolite also dropped by too...hehehe...hmm...Hibiki...who else...hmm...ah yes...my baby, Reina and a few others too....
I spent my time grossing Ian with my "Sky Juice" jokes...LMAO....yup..he was really grossed out...hehehehe....kacau Davion, cuddled with my baby, converting Ian to metal music, trying to design my band logo(which I phailled terribly) and what else....hmm....oh yeah!! I met a really cool artist!!! His works were awesome!!!....we lepak there until 6....baby had to go back at 5.30+ ish.....but I remained there till 6...reach home at 7+, had to cook my own dinner as the rest of my family finished the dinner (T.T) without leaving anything for me....
Now I'm stuck here blogging la...hehehe....wanna go sleep liao la anyway....chouz!!!

16th May 2009

2009-05-16T04:37:00.000-07:00

Owh kay.....wow...that was a very long time away from my blog.......hehe....oh well....I'm back as the idiot I normally am...hmm....lets see..wats new....hmmm...Right!! I have a band now!! The name of my band is B.K.T. Well the name actually originated from (for those who guessed Bak Kut Teh, you're right.)Bak Kut Teh, a local and very popular Chinese delicacy which originated from Klang. Ok, enough with the food documentary, back on topic *professional cough* . So the name B.K.T, after a few minor modifications, its' now "Bare Knuckles Tamashii(Spirit)". Well..there you have it, the new band ready to kick ASS!!!

And introducing the band members;

Hibiki!! Our drummer who's also from Zeolite!!!
Bryan!! Our guy on rhythms(guitar)!!
Freya!! Our bassist & vocalist!!
Reina!! Our keyboard and sub-vocalist!!
Light!! Our male vocalist!!
and last of all, ME!!!! On rhythms(guitar) too!!!
Our debut performance is on the 28th of June 2009 for Sun-U Anime Club's debut event, "AniManGaki 2009". While I'm on this topic, please do come for this event which is on the 27th and 28th of June 2009. For information on this event, please visit this website;
http://suac.x-tenshi.com/

Hope to see all anime fans for this event!!! Domo Arigatou!!!

Back Finally!!

2008-10-28T01:54:00.000-07:00

damn!! after 1 week without internet connection and plus another 2 weeks of fucking chickenpox, now i'm finally back...God!! those 3 weeks was hell torture...well, at least i had some fun in PD before getting into deep shit... any way...now i'm back....

2008-09-29T23:37:00.000-07:00

I'm an idiot...

2008-09-29T08:03:00.000-07:00

Wow....finally i'm gonna get my own blog moving. God knows how many times i tried to actually come up with something to put in my blog....You guys might think i'm some idiot or god knows wat...heheh...anyway, after god knows how many failed attempts to get my own bloody blog moving, here it is....up n moving and fully functional...hehe...

in short...i'm a bloody idiot....(OUCH!!! I deserved that anyway...)