Vengeance

You know the usual saying that 'revenge doesn't solve anything'? I've been finding myself asking how true it is. The fact that a white hot rage that still burns inexplicably within my heart every time I think of the past on how a certain fucktard caused a great deal of misery to me once and to the one I love with every fiber of my being, makes me feel like pounding said fucktard's face in to that ugly case of a skull he has. Some may call it impulsive but the fact that I still feel this violence pounding in my veins after a long time it has happen means that I won't be satisfied without getting even with him. I know well the consequences for my actions. Irregardless, I can't face my future without resolving my past. Sometimes, diplomacy can never solve all problems. Sometimes violence is the only way. And sometimes forgiveness resolves nothing.

I want to pin him down on the ground, I want to pound every inch of his face till he's unrecognizable, I want to make him choke on his blood and I want him to beg for mercy. I want him to scream that it was his fault and he deserved it and to beg me to stop. I want him at my feet where his life is in my hands and I can take it or shame him by letting him live on. I want revenge. Yes, my revenge is for my self satisfaction. Yes, I'm ok with that. Yes, I do not mind the consequences for my actions. Yes, I'm unable to forgive him. I will not forgive anyone who has wronged my love of my life and me to the extent that he has. I will have my revenge.

silence, hurt and life~~~

Somehow it seems that in our last meeting, you seem to have decided you don't want to come back at all. I really wonder was our relationship that flimsy till you could end it on a whim. You have no idea how much your words cut me. I just had to swallow my tears to be able to walk away. What's worst, you're not honest to me at all. But after all that's said and done, I still can't seem to be able to forsake my promise in waiting for you. I know that you hate the fact that I'm able to see right through you and as arrogant as it sounds, I know that what we are now is not at all what you want. Still, I can't seem to be able to do anything at all except just wait for you. I may date a hundred girls while waiting for you, but how can I love them like before when I've given all of it to you. I only hope that you might change your mind. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and to build a family with you. But if you keep on with that mindset, that dream seems like an unattainable dream. Not for my sake, but for ours, please change you mind.

I know I said I'll wait for you, in truth, I can't. I want you back so badly. I want you to forgive yourself for what you did because I've forgiven you already. I miss you so much. Only you can fill up this hole in my heart. I really want you to come back now. I miss you, I love you and going on another day without you is tough to near impossible. Not a moment passes by where I don't think of you. Why do we have to go through this? I know you hate this situation we're in as much as I do. Only you can do something about it. I've exhausted every option I have. Please come back, darling. I really miss you and I really want you back. I love you.

Its funny how things are. One moment, a certain someone comes to you and tells how how much she loves you and the next she tells you that she can't love you the way she used to but you'll have a soft spot in her heart always. In regards to how things are, my instincts tell me that it ain't all that it's seem nor is it what's is said. Maybe I'm lying to my self by trying to look for that hope there or the possibilities of my instinct being right is there again. Come to think about it, my instincts have always been on the dot whenever its about her. Be it how she's feeling or how things are going to happen, my instinct have been too right to be wrong already. Should I trust it knowing how well it has served me before or should I ignore it and let shit happen. After all, I know well what happens when I have ignored my instincts. Shit always happen. But how do you act on your instinct when there is no road for you to act? Questions questions~~

I miss her

God, I miss her so much. I'm literally craving to see her, be with her and spend my whole day with her. Now, I just finished watching the movie Notting Hill and I can't help but miss her a great deal more. I really want to see her so badly my heart is literally pounding out of my chest. But I don't want to be the cause of added stress to her. I want to tell her this, but I can't because it will put more stress on her as if she's not having enough stress without my help. But nevertheless, I can only pour my feelings out here, away from prying eyes. All in all, my heart is missing her till it aches. She's all that's on my mind every time, every day. I miss her, I love her. She's my darling, my light, my Amelia.

How Troublesome~~~

Only way I can say for this situation. Best example, I'm right beside my girlfriend and the way she treating is as if I don't even exist or I'm not even here. When I showed up at her college to surprise her and to take her for lunch, I was greeted with nothing but pure coldness. Wow. What a fucking surprise indeed. With the way she's treating me, I wonder do I even mean anything to her at all. This is not the first incident. Many incidents have caused me to start questioning my decision that I've made. I'm wondering should I confront her bout it. My mind is spinning in a really unhealthy way. I need some answers and some assurance in the least.

Have you ever felt a kind of sadness just suddenly welling up in your heart so much till tears just pour? What does it mean? I've never felt suddenly so upset over something that I can't even tell.